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I feel confused.

I don't know...I don't know.

Doing this job, hey, I like it. I have fun. It's interesting and lucrative.

I get to play the role of someone who is very different from myself, but also very similar, me and the hooker share the same values and ethics, the same core personality, it's just the other details that differ.

When a john just wants to be purely physical, I love that. I feel great, but the ones who want to make an intimate connection, that brings emotion into it. I am not good with being close to people, sure plenty of people are close to me, they trust me, they tell me all their secrets, but they never realize I haven't told them any of mine. I'm a very private person, I don't like to show weakness. I'm always genuinely happy and I want to make everything work out, I'm down to earth and intelligent, kind and honest.

People tell me these things all the time plus much more, almost daily. And I know what they say is true, but I find it hard to accept.

I almost feel like I have to keep this up, that when something upsets me I just have to be okay with it, accept it and move on, but sometimes I want to scream and shout, sometimes I want to be...I want someone to see the not so shiny sides of me. To see me as everything I am, not just all the good stuff.

And then, when I'm feeling a little down, like now, this is what I think. But when I'm my happy self, all this doesn't matter, I can never stay upset, I just don't know how to, if it's not something extreme, I can be back to my normal self with a quarter of an hour, maybe less.

This is me, and I'm happy.

When a client wants to be intimate, and not just physically, I withdraw from them. I tell myself, play the role, this isn't the real you. But the thing is, I am always the real me, whichever me I'm being.

And thats the hard part of being an escort.