Motherhood.

I cannot see myself as a mother. (Check out my previous freak out post about parenting here.)

I do not want to give up my party lifestyle, or the opportunity to have sex anywhere and anytime. I don't want to have a C-Section because I don't want the first thing the baby does in this world is to get high and I don't want natural because I don't want to loosen up, and have to build my keagel strength back up to it's current taughtness.

 I don't want to have to find a baby sitter to look after it before I can go out, I don't want to have to wait until it moves out to be able to have spontaneous kitchen sex again.

Plus, if my highschool child studies class is correct, the kid would be lucky to be alive.

It started out with a mild excitement, I had been talked into this class by my friends, luring me with 'It will be fun!'

It wasn't.

We were to get those fake babies, you know the ones that cry and shit? And you have to use a key to swipe it and it continues to cry until you've found out if it wants a feed, a burp, a nappy change or it just wants to be a jerk and cry for a while. It doesn't even do any of the cute(ish) things that even I'll admit are bearable, like laughing.

It was okay at first, my baby didn't cry for many hours, me and a friend went with them to a second hand shop and bought them some clothes, jeez are those things heavy. I must say, I did rather enjoy the scornful looks from other people when they thought the baby was real, and then the surprise/apologetic look that came after they realized they weren't.

And then came night. I cried to many times to count. I barely slept and I couldn't figure out what the little shit wanted. I was getting a little pissed off.

Then came morning, and school. It was an angel all day, mostly quiet and loving being held by my friends.

Night was back, and it was full of crying. Then school was back, and I was exhausted and he was a perfect little angel AGAIN!

One of my friends, who had also been talked into this class, was having a similar experience, and by the last day we were both delusional from lack of sleep. We laid on the floor in maths and laughed like we were high, I told her about how I was so tired on the way to school that morning that I almost crashed into a parked car when I was going no more than 5k's an hour...Then he wanted to be fed on the way and I had to pull over making me late, then getting out of the car I accidently broke his neck and two of the senior boys stopped to compliment me on my bad mothering and I swore at them and he screamed louder than usual. I was actually doing okay with caring for him up until then, and somehow I managed to break his neck again during the day.

Then we gave them back. What a relief.

I can't imagine what a real mother goes through after doing that. I salute you.

Love = Chain Mail?

So, there's this john.

He's had a couple of bookings and we've spent about six hours together. He says he's falling in love with me.

He only knows a few sides of me (my friendly/confident, humourous and sexual side which I choose to show, I like to keep the rest to my personal life), he's nice, but I'm only there because he's paying me.

He seems to like it that I don't agree with everything he says just because (again) he's paying me. He is submissive and I'm naturally dominant, although I love to be made to be the submissive one. He likes that I can wrap him around my finger and still be kind.

And all this equals? He's started forwarding me on 'funny' chain mail. What the fuck?


I don't like chain mail, I don't forward it on, and I must have died a hundred times and be cursed for life for doing so. Chain mail is bullshit. BUT there has been a couple I have laughed at over the years, a rare occasion indeed.

Is sending chain mail a new sign of friendship? Or is this how he now tell people we are interested in them?

What the fuck is life coming to?

Parking Fines.

Today, whilst I was with a client (same old, same old, not need for details) at a lovely, high end hotel in the city, I got a parking fine.

'Stopping where a no stopping sign applies' was the description.

What the fuck?

I specifically read the sign, and it was after the time on in, which means you can stop there as long as you want (well until the morning when the time starts again). I did no wrong.

I hope you know City Council, I will be disputing this and there is no way that I will be paying it. And if you try to make me I'll just use the 'Get Out of Parking Fines' card that my mothers accountant uses. His excuse is legal by the way.

It's not even the money (it is only fifty eight bucks after all), it's the principal, I did no wrong so I'm NOT paying.

Suck on that Council.

Parenthood?

Whaaaaaat?! No way man.

I just got an email that read:

Don't worry, I will give you plenty of notice, just in case you have another job or need to find a babysitter.


What. The. Fuck.

Just no.

I'm 18, and yes this industry is a little shady and may attract the sorts of girls that have teen pregnancies, but thats not me, I'm Miss Protection. I don't mean to offend anyone out there in their teens who's pregnant, a friend of mine is a little younger than me and she has a baby, and she's a good mother, but thats just not me.

This reminds me of an incident back in highschool.

I was sitting in a computer class looking as a list of baby names, (I was doing child studies and we had to have theo stupid fake babies, I don't know why I let my friends talk me into that class, it was HELL!), when the girl next to me saw what was on my screen she asked

"Are you pregnant?" and she was serious. I was 16 at the time.

I freaked out a little and explained.

Let me tell you, I've never been much of a baby person myself. I don't think their all that cute, and I was always the girl at the back standing awkwardly when everyone else was crowded around the baby in the pram. Sure, I'll coo and ah over a puppy, but a baby? I just don't see what's so cute about them.

I've even faked the 'Aww she/he's gorgeous!' because you can't say to a new mother 'I'm not a baby person' because the thoughts in their head go something like this:

What? Your not a baby person?


What? You don't like my baby?


How could you not like my baby? It's the cutest thing in the world!


You see my conundrum. Never insult a new mother or her baby. I even faked it over my nephew, they made me hold him and took a picture of it, I handed him back in under a minute. Contrary to my mothers opinion of the photo I was NOT comfortable.

So, no, I don't have a baby and I'm not pregnant. I'm also very aware that one day when I may have a baby, I will think it's the cutest thing in the world and I will be a complete hypocrite. I am something like that scene in the cafe from Sex and the City when Miranda states: 'I don't like any other babies apart from my own.'

Just talking, not paying.

So, lets call you B, you act like you want an appointment, then something comes up but you keep texting me and  trying to start conversations, and when I don't reply you just text me over and over again until I do, but you don't want to pay me?

Not only are you wasting my credit, your not even paying me! A gentlemen knows not to text his escort for a long conversation because she's a busy girl and her time isn't free.